


We Must Love

by trippieseojoon



Category: Dreamcatcher (Korea Band), Original Work
Genre: Alternate Universe - Idols, F/M, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:09:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25646353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trippieseojoon/pseuds/trippieseojoon
Summary: Idol AU about a trans idol prepping for debut and dealing with everything that it brings, including Yoohyeon.
Relationships: Kim Yoohyeon/Original Character(s)
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Songs to listen to with this fic (regularly updated):
> 
> We Must Love- ONF  
> Nobody Else- Hwasa

It wasn’t Jisung’s fault. 

Or Namjoon’s.

Or Daehyun’s.

It was ultimately his fault. That was what they were going to tell him. Hyojung already knew it. He could feel it. His bouncing knee hadn’t faltered once since sitting down in the conference room. The manager’s were going to blame him and there wasn’t anything he was going to be able to say or do to change their minds about it. So, what was the point of being worried? What was the point of any of this?

He was being forced to ask himself that a lot lately. 

May as well blame himself for that too.

The door opening made him jump. No one made eye contact with him as they got seated. He’d been expecting for Naeun and Jaesuk to come and talk to him, but not the director. He hadn’t seen him since his audition. It’d been months. The sick feeling in his stomach got worse upon realizing that things were certainly going to change for the worst this time. Upset that he had even started to expect anything good to come from this opportunity made him tighten a fist under the table. He kept his head down, ready for whatever was coming.

“We talked to Jisung.” Naeun started, “And after talking to everyone else, we’re terminating his contract.”

“What?”

“We don’t need someone like him representing the company. Period.”

“And if we want to make money, we don’t need someone like _you_ representing the company either. So, this can’t happen again. It can’t happen anymore.”

Jaesuk’s firm tone was nothing short of professional. He was good at that, masking his disgust with maturity. Hyojung’s heart started pounding in his chest. Even though he knew it was pointless, he wanted to defend himself. He felt like he needed to, otherwise he’d look like a punk.

He just wasn’t mature enough to drop it.

“It’s not like I wanted that to happen. I never want anything like this to happen, but--”

“Don’t blame your shortcomings on others. You should be able to handle yourself.”

“I try to. But when I stand up for myself, I get in trouble. If I don’t, I get in trouble. I get called a burden. They mess with me even more when I don’t tell you guys. What do you want me to do?”

“You better speak to me with respect.”

“Can you at least _pretend_ that you care about what’s happening then?”

Jaesuk got out of his chair so quickly that Hyojung lost his train of thought immediately. The anger in his eyes leaked into his grip as he reached across the table to grab at his hoodie. Hyojung was honestly too exhausted at this point to enter fight-or-flight mode. He had been in that more often than not the past couple of weeks. He just couldn’t do it anymore. Part of him wanted Jaesuk to hit him. Why, he wasn’t sure. It wasn’t like he didn’t already have reasons to try and leave.

“Don’t think I won’t hit a girl.” Jaesuk seethed.

Maybe he wasn’t that exhausted.

“Guys-- Guys!”

It happened so fast that Hyojung honestly wasn’t sure what happened first. The punch he threw shook him to his core upon hitting Jaesuk in the jaw. His chair hit the floor with a crack because of the way Jaesuk shoved him. But nothing actually hurt until a hand smacked him right in the face. Jaesuk’s fingers wrapped around his throat long enough to make him dizzy. The feeling may have been why he wanted to laugh as Naeun slapped Jaesuk in her efforts to get him away. The director was the one who was able to yank him away from the table.

“You’re fired!” he got right in his face as he yelled, “Get the hell out of my building.”

“You’re not firing me over this fucking freak. I’m not losing my job over _that_.”

“I’m giving you one last chance to get out before I rough you up myself.”

Naeun grabbing Hyojung’s cheeks so she could get a good look at him made it hard to focus on Jaesuk any longer. Hyojung wasn’t even sure if he was looking at Naeun. Nothing felt real. His face was throbbing. He could still feel Jaesuk’s hand around his throat. Hopefully it was worth getting fired over.

In disbelief, he looked towards the director.

With solemn eyes, his voice stayed low, “Naeun, make sure he gets cleaned up. Show him to his new room tomorrow.”

“New room?” Hyojung echoed as the director made his escape. 

“I know. If they would’ve put you alone in the first place, this never would’ve happened. Now, come on. Let’s get you cleaned up.”

Jaesuk had scratched his jaw in the process of trying to choke him. It didn’t start to hurt until they got to the restrooms. Naeun’s brow stayed furrowed in concern as she cleaned his wound. None of the other women on their team was like this, like her. She actually cared. Even better, she actually cared and didn’t give a damn about what anyone else thought about it. Hyojung was surprised Jaesuk didn’t try throwing her under the bus back there. 

“Are you okay?” he wondered.

She laughed, “Me? You’re asking _me_ that right now?”

“You didn’t have to break it up. He could’ve hit you too.”

“If I hadn’t, no one would have.”

Hyojung didn’t want to think about the truth in that statement. 

“When the guys find out I got Jisung and Jaesuk fired, they’re gonna be pissed.”

“They got themselves fired. If they try anything because of this, I’ll take care of them myself. This is insane.”

“Yeah.” he sighed, stepping away so she could wash her hands, “I don’t think I should be here anymore. This is just going to get worse. We haven’t even debuted yet.”

“What’s the first thing you told me when we talked?”

“This is my dream.”

“As long as it’s your dream, you should be here.”

She looked at him with soft eyes and ran a hand through his hair in an effort to fix it. He took a deep breath before following her out the restrooms. 

That hadn’t changed. This was his dream. It always would be, no matter how much shit he had to put up with. But the things this dream would bring… Were any of them worth it? He wouldn’t be sure until he got there, but that was it. The hardest part would be getting there. And every time things like this happened, he wondered more and more if he was ready for that. Was he capable of dealing with the hard part? He felt less and less so every day. 

The thought of having to face the rest of the guys, especially looking like this, made him feel sick to his stomach.

“When will I be getting all my things?”

“You aren’t going to vocal training tomorrow. We’ll swing by and grab your things in the morning after everyone has left. We’re putting you in a hotel tonight and you’ll have all morning to get settled at your new dorm.”

It felt surreal to smile given the whole situation. 

Things weren’t okay, but they felt okay whenever he was around Naeun. The only time he wasn’t worried about his situation was when she was around. That or when he was in the practice room. He could be as loud as he wanted, say whatever he wanted, and no one would know or care. It was time he took to remind himself that he was just as talented as the other guys. Around the trainers and teachers, it was hard to remember. His talent didn’t matter to them. 

Whenever Daehyun wanted to put extra time into practicing, he never stayed. It surely didn’t make the tension between them any better, but Hyojung refused to be a punching bag for them. All the practice in the world wouldn’t make Daehyun any less critical of him. The trainers and teachers never cared about how much work he put into their debut. He could do everything and anything and still be considered nothing.

Simply because he was just trying to be himself.

“I’m gonna be in the room next to yours. We’ll leave together in the morning.” Naeun held his gaze in the rearview mirror of the van. 

“Sounds good.”

“Do you want to pick up chicken?”

“Hell yeah.” he grinned.

“This would be a good time to invite your girlfriend over, if you wanted.”

“Girlfriend.” he scoffed, “Yeah, let me call her on my cellphone-- which also doesn’t exist.”

“Didn’t you say you were talking to someone?”

“Talking. Yeah.”

“Did you tell her?” Naeun already knew the answer given her tone, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not a big deal. She was boring anyway.”

It wasn’t necessarily true, but he knew it would make Naeun laugh. He always liked seeing the laugh lines near her eyes whenever she smiled. 

The hotel was right in the middle of town. From the outside, it already looked so much nicer than their dorm. It was all five of them in one room there. He hated it there. There was no privacy and they all used that to their advantage. It had happened a lot, but this time with Jisung had gotten out of hand. Now, Hyojung supposed he could be optimistic. It had happened for the best.

Hyojung had taken a shower after practice and had come out of the bathroom to find nothing but a pair of women’s panties waiting for him. He played music when he washed up and hadn’t even heard the door open. He hadn’t seen a thing, but he knew exactly who had done it. 

Getting checked into the hotel and settled felt like something out of a dream. Nothing felt real. He was tired. Stress was starting to slowly creep back into his chest at the thought of tomorrow. Thankfully, there were plenty of things to keep him distracted. Naeun had bought him far too much food. The TV in the room was huge. It even had a desktop computer. This must have been a poor attempt at an apology for all of the drama. While not accepted, it was appreciated. 

Night came quickly. Hyojung was half-asleep on his bed when there was a knock at the door. Scared of who it could be, he sat up and waited to see if they’d knock again. When they did, he wasn’t sure what to think. Was it just Naeun? He couldn’t be so sure. Heart thumping in his chest, he made his way to the door.

The amused expression he was met with made him relax in an instant. 

“Were you asleep?”

“Barely.”

Naeun had changed clothes. She was in her pajamas now, ones that were oddly childish for her. When she realized he was taking in her clothes, she rolled her eyes.

“What?”

“What cartoon is that from?”

“Are you even Korean?”

“Apparently not.” he chuckled.

“Are you going to invite me in or are you just gonna make me stand out here in my Dooly PJs?”

“Come in, come in.”

His heart started to quicken its pace again, but not out of fear. Not a bad kind, at least. This wasn’t a random thing. They spent a lot of time together when they could. Hyojung stopped feeling weird about it a long time ago, as Naeun was really one of the only people that liked him for him. And she was one of the only people who cared about him as far as he was concerned. Their director was nice, but only because he had to be. 

Suddenly concerned about what she could be there for, he hesitated near the door.

“Did something come up?”

Naeun made a noise of confusion, “Come up? About today? No. You can relax.”

With kind eyes, she sat on the end of his bed. 

“Can I, though?”

“Honestly, I don’t know how you do it sometimes. That’s supposed to make you feel better, by the way.”

He laughed, deciding to make use of the chair in the corner of the room. 

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I know a lot is on your mind. A lot happened today, things that shouldn’t have.”

“There isn’t anything I can really do at this point. I meant what I said to Jaesuk. It doesn’t matter what I do-- everything is my fault. Even when I do nothing.”

“No one knows how to deal with you… most of them don’t even _want_ to. I really wish I had more power to make this easy for you.”

“Deal with me.” he scoffed. 

“I didn’t mean--”

“I know.”

Though the remorse in her eyes was genuine, he couldn’t hold her gaze anymore. It wasn’t like she was wrong. He was a problem. The fact that he even got into WM Entertainment in the first place felt like a joke more often than not. When he’d auditioned, the company had made it clear that they were willing to work with him. It didn’t take long to realize that working with him simply meant tolerating him. 

And even then, that didn’t mean much either.

“Hey…”

Naeun’s voice managed to pull him out of his head, but not because of the way it offered to hold his head high but because of how close it’d become. Before he could really react, Naeun’s hand brushed along his cheek.

“I’m sorry. That sounded a lot worse than I meant for it to be. You’re not… You’re not a problem to be _dealt_ with. It came out wrong.”

“I know. It’s okay.”

Her eyes were saying things that Hyojung was scared to hear. This wasn’t the first time. It happened a lot. Naeun’s kindness felt like a lot of different things. When it felt like this, it became hard to think straight. He loved her eyes, but looking in them when she was like this made Hyojung so nervous that he became lost for words. If it was anyone else but Naeun, the only thing that made sense to do was close the distance between them. 

But they both knew the dangerous game they’d start by acting on whatever feelings threatened to bubble over whenever they were alone. 

So, they didn't. 

She cupped both his cheeks before playfully massaging her thumbs into them, "You bet it is."

He wasn't able to completely exhale until she walked off towards the desk.

"I know you didn't eat all the food, right? I ordered extra hoping there would be leftovers."

“So, that’s _actually_ why you came over, huh?”

They got comfortable and talked further into the night. He hadn’t been able to resist asking questions about the new dorm. It wasn’t as close to the company building, but he could still walk there easy. He’d have a whole studio apartment to himself. It was hard to keep from smiling as they talked. This was what he needed. 

Apparently, the excuse the company kept giving as to why they hadn’t gotten him a separate dorm in the first place was that he’d “never bond with his members” if they didn’t live together, if they didn’t struggle together. 

“At what point does struggling become, like, detrimental, though? This stuff feels like hazing sometimes. Jisung bullied Yun all the time too.”

“When it’s too late. You know how this stuff goes.” 

He let out a sigh in response. 

“When I worked for EIAGO, I felt proud. Not so much anymore. There’s a lot of companies I’ve been ashamed to be at.” 

“Why’d you leave?” 

A solemn smile took her lips, “Laid off.” 

“I hope you get paid well here.”

“That’s why I stay.” Naeun grinned before stretching and getting up off the bed.

“I knew there was a reason.” 

Having become one with the chair, he rushed to get up so he could see her off as she went to open the door.

“Actually more than one.” 

Having turned around and leaned back against the door frame, her gaze was a bit too inviting. They’d gotten more comfortable than they should’ve tonight. He hesitated where he stood. They never hugged. Would hugging be weird? It was getting to the point where saying goodbye and that alone felt just as odd. Instead of wasting time going back and forth in his head, he just blurted out his thoughts.

“Can I hug you?” 

A long second with no reaction went into a quick one with quiet laughter.

“Of course.”

She met him first and threw her arms around his neck. Hyojung felt awkward as he put his hands around her. Alarms were going off in his brain, but only because it felt so… good. He could feel her head press into his chest and he wondered if she could hear his heart from there. He kind of hoped so. 

Squeezing her tightly, he let out a sigh of relief.

Things were okay. 


	2. Chapter 2

He couldn't hear himself think, but his thoughts were far from quiet. He could feel the gazes in the mirror as he stayed hunched over. He wanted to puke. Barely feeling air enter his lungs, he tried the best he could to catch his breath. He was going to pass out. His eyes danced along the floor in a panic, realizing he had nowhere to fall but the ground. He didn't even have strength to bend his knees to actually sit. 

He hit the ground with a thud as a hand shoved his shoulder, "Come on. You're really acting like you didn't get a good night's sleep last night?"

Namjoon's laugh sounded like it was miles away.

"They put this kid in a hotel last night. He causes trouble and gets babied while Jisung gets fucked." 

"Yah, don't start shit right now." 

Hyojung looked up at Daehyun with heavy eyes. He seemed serious. He got that way when practice was involved, but he didn't give a shit about  _ why _ Namjoon acted like he did. He never gave a shit about Jisung, either. His priorities as a leader were solid. 

"Then, tell him to get up. We still have an hour left of this shit."

"Do you need a break?" he asked, ignoring Namjoon.

Hyojung could only nod. 

"Ten minutes." 

Daehyun made his way out the dance studio, water bottle in hand. It took everything in him not to throw up right there. Before he could even gather strength in his arms to get up, Namjoon got closer. Another shove forced his head to hit the floor. 

"Namjoon-ah." 

"What? He got Jisung fired. He's out. Our debut is delayed now anyway."

The sound of Yun hurrying across the floor to stop him from doing anything else didn't ease the knot in Hyojung's stomach. This was expected, but he wasn't prepared. Not for the tension. Not for the bruises he still wasn't safe from. Not for the wrath of not only Namjoon but Daehyun. Practice was eight hours today all because of him, whether Dahyun wanted to admit it or not. He knew better than to walk away from the absurdity today. It would only cause more conflict.

His chest was so tight he felt like his whole body was starting to numb. He'd binded his chest today, for the sole reason of not really having time to unpack anything when he got to his new dorm this morning. The director had insisted last minute that he not miss all of his vocal training. So, unable to pull out any baggy clothes for practice, he was stuck having to wear his binder all day. He could handle practices like these when he wasn't binding. It was just his luck that he ended up in this position despite how good last night had been. 

Things were never really going to be okay. Last night had been a tease. He was lucky to even get tastes of what he wanted these days. He only ever got what he deserved here. 

Namjoon was arguing with Yun and Hyojung used the opportunity to get up off the ground and make his way to the bench towards the back of the room. 

"I can't believe we have to fucking do this with this he-she bitch. I want to be an idol. You really think we're gonna get anywhere with this freak?"

"Just shut up, man. None of this is worth it. We're really not gonna debut if we can't just all get along."

"I don't want to get along with a fucking freak." 

"Do you ever actually listen?" Hyojung called out to him, "He said shut up." 

The look that took Namjoon's face was nothing short of terrifying. A smile of disbelief took his lips and Hyojung sat with his head held high. Namjoon was kind of right. Their debut was delayed anyway. If Hyojung didn't keep standing up for himself, nothing would ever change. Jisung finally getting fired meant he was worth  _ something  _ to this stupid company. 

He was definitely worth more than Namjoon. 

"Dumb bitch." he scoffed.

Just as Namjoon stepped forward, Dahyun came back. The urge to smile chased away the nausea. Daehyun knew something was up, but didn't give any of them a second glance. Namjoon pushed Yun away from him and headed to grab his water bottle. Whatever Yun wanted to say, it got lost in the lack of a real backbone. He felt bad for Hyojung, but that wasn't really helpful. 

He was really on his own here. 

Practice went back to normal for the most part. Hyojung's chest and back were aching so bad that he could barely move by the end of it. Thankfully, he hadn't gotten lightheaded again. The choreo for their title was intense, but there was plenty of downtime between verses. He stayed focused on hitting beats with force and his facial expressions whenever his raps came up rather than on Namjoon, who ended up behind him more often than not. Another pro of the choreo. 

Things felt a bit off without Jisung, but not impossible.

He wasn't sure if he was excited or wary about possibly getting someone to replace him. 

The first thing he did when practice ended was escape to the bathroom. Not the one on their dance studio floor. He never went to that one, just in case he ran into any of the guys. He couldn't get out of his binder fast enough. Idle, he stood in a stall for what felt like an hour, just letting his body attempt to relax and get back to normal. His ribs were going to ache well into tomorrow. 

Hood on, it was starting to get dark outside. His feet burned as he walked along the busy sidewalks. People were getting off work, going home. He couldn't remember what it felt like to have something,  _ someone _ to go home to. When he’d actually had a home, he would walk into an empty house every day. His parents both worked night shifts. Not like they had ever talked much even when they did see each other.

Moments that should have felt normal never did. Passing people who seemed normal just reminded him he wasn't. He may have looked the part, but that sometimes felt like it would never be enough. 

Worst part of it was that he only had himself to impress.

_ how did today go?  _

As he kicked off his shoes, a smile appeared the second he read Naeun's text. He hurried to toss his bag aside so he could text her back. He didn't necessarily lie. But he left out the details. Today was rough, just like always. 

_ i hope they didn’t give you too much trouble. have you eaten? want me to bring you some food? _

He couldn’t keep from smiling. He also couldn’t keep from acknowledging how weird the situation felt. Now that he was staying alone, this could be… normal. The thought made his chest warm. 

He quickly put aside his hesitation.

_ i’ll be there soon!  _

The silence of the dorm felt strange. Putting on some music, he hurried to start unpacking his things. It didn’t feel like home yet. It made him even more anxious about Naeun coming by. When she’d dropped him off this morning, she hadn’t come up or anything. Would she be expecting anything?

The dorm had come with a dresser in the bedroom and a couch in the living room. He was grateful. The bed frame that had been left there was just that. He still needed to get a mattress. But he was used to sleeping on couches. When his parents had found out about him dropping out of school, he’d had a bed to sleep in for two nights before they’d decided to kick him out. Couch-surfing had become a hobby after that.

Sometimes he thought of it as a blessing. He would’ve never found the confidence to transition otherwise. 

He got distracted. The shirt he was attempting to fold became idle in his hands at the thought of  _ him. _

Jinwoo. 

They’d met by sheer fate. He’d always believe that. That night he walked out of the subway station in Itaewon to see Jinwoo getting the shit beat out of him almost felt like something bigger than fate. 

Helping him get away had resulted in things that were well worth the scar along his left shoulder. 

Taken out of his thoughts by a knock on the door, he just sighed. There was still so much clothes, but it was easy to push towards the back of his mind. Getting to the door was priority. With a smile that got bigger upon seeing Naeun, he let her in. She’d gotten pizza. His favorite by the smell of it. 

“I love watching your face change when you realize there’s food. You turn into a kid.” she laughed, playfully protecting the pizza as she slipped by.

“We did 8 hours of dance today. I’m starving.” 

“What’s new?”

They set up shop on the floor to eat. Along with the pizza, she brought soda and Hyojung could’ve cried over how good everything tasted. Even back at the other dorm, unless Naeun fed him, he ate rice and eggs. Sometimes ramen. That was about it. 

“Do you wanna talk about today?” 

Mouth full, he shook his head.

“I worry about you. You’re brave for what you’re doing.”

“For what? Trying to live?”

“Yeah.” 

He scoffed in amusement, “I guess.”

“I mean, I had a gay friend from high school who married a man even though she knew she wouldn’t be happy with one. All because she was scared. Existing as you are is brave.” 

“I stood up to Namjoon today. So, that was cool. He almost beat my ass anyway, but still.” 

“If any of them ever put a hand on you, you have to let us know right away, Hyojung. Really.”

There were past unexplained bruises that had come from Jisung specifically. She knew, even Jaesuk had known, but Hyojung had never snitched about it. He hadn’t been that brave. Still wasn't. 

Jinwoo came to mind again. 

Did being brave even really matter? 

“Sorry. We don’t need to keep talking about this.” she insisted. 

“I was thinking about Jinwoo before you came.”

Naeun sighed. She put her food down and gave him her full attention. She didn’t say anything, not vocally. The silent “I’m here for you.” was enough to make Hyojung’s throat tight. He didn’t wanna talk about it, but he needed to. 

“I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him, but he’s gone now. What does that say about where I’m gonna end up?” 

“You’re not him.”

“But I am.”

“But you don’t have to make the same choices he did…” 

“He didn’t have any choices. If he did, he’d still be alive.”

Naeun recoiled some. Hyojung hadn’t meant to sound so angry, but he was. It wasn’t like Jinwoo had killed himself because he’d wanted to. He hadn’t had any other options. They hadn’t talked for months when he’d reached out. Hyojung still remembered the feeling that overcame him when he’d opened the text upon waking up that morning. 

_ i hope you’re well, hyojung-ah. things have been rough and i can’t promise you’ll hear from me again. i probably shouldn’t have texted you. i’m sorry i’m a selfish hyung. i want you to know how much i cherish you. i think about your smile a lot. it helped me through a lot. i wish i could see it tonight especially. i love you.  _

It took Hyojung nine days to find news about Jinwoo’s suicide. It’d only been reported by one outlet. He’d never asked about Jinwoo’s deadname. But the news report had included it. It had misgendered him. But that disrespect was nothing compared to what the entire world had given him. None of it was fair.

“We don’t get choices. If we want to be ourselves, we don’t get choices. We just have to deal with all the bullshit the world gives us until we just can’t take it anymore.” he muttered, his anger boiling down to nothing but sorrow. 

“I didn’t mean to disrespect your struggle. I’m sorry.” 

He shrugged. His chest was just as tight as his throat. The burning moved up to his eyes and he just got up and excused himself. He didn’t want to cry in front of Naeun. He didn’t want to cry at all, but tears came easy whenever it came to Jinwoo. Hormones had made crying seldom, but not over him. It was ironic. Jinwoo wouldn’t want him to shed any tears over him. He’d probably make fun of him for it.

In the bathroom, Hyojung kept reminding himself that. He didn’t  _ have  _ to be anything, but he wanted to be strong for Jinwoo. He wanted to honor him. The desire to do that fueled a lot of what he did, built a lot of armor that made him able to put up with the things he did— it created choices of his own. He always had a choice to smile. The comforting thought made reeling in his tears a bit easier. 

When he felt good enough to step back out, he was caught off guard by Naeun being right outside the restroom door. 

“Sorry. I— I was trying to think of what to say. I wanted to check on you.” 

“I’m okay. Sorry. I didn’t want to cry in front of you.” he tried to joke, but Naeun’s concern didn’t waver. 

“You can cry in front of me. I want you to know I’m here for you and that you’re not existing here alone. Because you’re not.” 

“I know.” he lied. He knew Naeun was here for him, at least.

Surprised, his jaw tightened as she stepped forward. A hand rested on his chest and he stopped breathing for a moment. Still sore from practice, he wasn’t binding. Her touch made him nervous, just like her pained gaze. There were feelings there that made his heart forget its rhythm. She seemed like she wanted to respond, but they both stood there in silence. Her hand slowly moved along his body as she took him in her arms.

She didn’t need to respond. 

In her arms, maybe she was right. He wasn’t alone. It certainly didn’t feel like it. She relaxed against his body some when he hugged her back. 

“I want you to feel as protected as I feel when we’re like this.” 

“You feel protected?”

Her voice was quiet, “I didn’t want you to let go of me last night.” 

A smile took his lips without hesitation. Being this close to Naeun felt so good it was scary. He hadn’t wanted to let go of her last night, either. Time felt obsolete as they held each other. Naeun’s hands stayed idle on his back at first. When they started moving, he couldn’t ignore the way his skin heated up under them. Her fingers crept up to the back of his shoulders and she let her forehead rest on his chest. 

“Hyojung, I really care about you…” she sounded hesitant as she spoke, “So much.” 

“I care about you too.” 

Her fingers tightened around the top of his shoulders. He could hear the deep breath she took, just like he could hear his heart in his ears. He was tense and he couldn’t ignore why. It was just like last night. But he couldn’t bring himself to mention it. He was sure she felt it too, but he was scared.

Maybe she was too. 

“Are you scared?” he wondered, not sure if he wanted to hear an answer. 

“Of what?” 

“This feeling.” 

She stayed silent. The air around them had become heavy and regrets were starting to race through Hyojung’s brain. Why hadn’t Naeun let go of him? It was the only thing that made sense. This conversation wasn’t going to happen. Naeun’s lack of response was response enough. 

He wasn’t sure if he was telling her or simply admitting his thoughts aloud when he broke the quiet, “I’m terrified.” 

“I am too.” 

“What should we do…?” 

Naeun let go of him so he followed suit. His heart fell hard enough to shake his mind up. He didn’t know what to say, but as he met Naeun’s gaze— he realized he didn’t need to. She didn’t know either, but her stare was comforting. Her brow held worry, though. He wanted to ask about it, but he could assume. This was something they couldn’t just ignore anymore. It was out in the open. 

His eyes dropped down watching as Naeun’s fingers brushed along the back of his hand. She grabbed it, forcing her fingers to intertwine with his. Before he could completely register the feeling, her other hand went to his cheek. Her warm hold urged him to look her in the eyes again.

Her gaze was saying everything he needed to know about what was about to happen, but he stood in anticipation as she slowly leaned in closer. The feeling of her lips brushing against his felt like something out of a dream. He closed the distance between them, needing to confirm all of the feelings swelling in his heart. Her kiss felt like something he’d never experienced before, like something he’d never experience again. 

His dreams and imagination would never do it justice. 

Slowly, cautiously, they tasted each other. He was being introduced to a new part of her. Everything she was sharing and showing, he paid careful attention to. Her sweet mint chapstick made the sensation of their lips melding together even more electric. It tickled his tongue. 

She was close again, her body pressing up against his as she moved her hands so she could guide his to her waist. Warm palms went back to his cheeks as things got more passionate. The situation felt surreal, but it felt so right that he couldn’t deny the reality it had introduced him to.

Naeun felt the same way he did. 

None of them wanted to stop. He pulled away first, but he didn’t stay away long. Naeun pulled him back in and walked them into the hallway, not stopping until she had her back against the wall. She’d taken the lead and he followed her every move. The growing heat between their bodies was getting harder to ignore. Naeun’s hips were starting to press into his. When she broke the kiss, it seemed to be in response to her own actions. Her voice was weak. 

“We should stop.” 

The way her breath hit his lips made a shiver run through his limbs. He didn’t want to stop. Naeun didn’t want to, either. Her lips took his again, only briefly, unable to resist. 

“Yeah.” he muttered, dazed. 

“Yeah.”

The silence that came to rest between them didn’t chase away any of the heat. Hyojung’s fingers anxiously ran along the side-stitching of Naeun’s shirt. She had her eyes closed now, head resting back against the wall. He couldn’t bring himself to ask her what she was thinking. 

She revealed jaded eyes as she met his gaze. Her hands fell to his chest again and he tensed. Her hands were right above his breasts. He didn’t want to object, but wasn’t sure how he felt as her hands went lower. He was still so sore. Her light touch felt amazing, even over his shirt. But what was she thinking? She’d seen him without his binder or baggy clothes plenty of times, but actually  _ touching _ him was different. 

Her hands dropped away from his body the second they ran over his breasts.

“Yeah.” she echoed again, “I should probably go. You have an early day tomorrow.”

He let her slide away from his hold and watched as she headed back down the hall. Her tone was hard to decipher. Had his body made her change her mind? Feeling nauseous, his feet dragged as he went back to the main room. She was putting her shoes back on near the door. 

“Naeun—” his throat became tight again at just the thought of the question but he had to ask, “Do you not want to be attracted to me?” 

“What?” 

“Because I’m trans.” 

Her eyes got wide and she started shaking her head immediately, “Hyojung, that has nothing to do with this. I’m just—”

She took a deep breath before continuing, “I just… It’s not like we can act like that didn’t happen. I can’t even believe we ignored what was going on before just now as long as we have.” 

“Do you want to act like it didn’t happen?” 

“No.” she laughed in what sounded like defeat, “I really don’t.” 

“Then, let’s not.” 

“I’m your manager.”

“No one else is gonna find out. No one’s been suspicious so far.” 

“Yeah, but that was before we made out.”

Hyojung’s anxiety was fading away now that he knew Naeun wasn’t afraid to like him simply because he was trans. Just acknowledging that they’d made out forced his lips to form a smile. Embarrassed, she looked off elsewhere, but he could see the smile tempting to appear. 

“Don’t look at me like that.” she muttered, amusement gently coloring her voice before getting more serious, “I’m sorry I tried to just leave.”

“I’m just glad you didn’t.” 

Naeun took her shoes back off and leaned back against the door. 

“I guess we need to figure out where to go from here.”

“Nothing we were doing has to change… right? Just no getting close in front of others. Easy.”

“Has it felt easy to you? Up until tonight?”

Thoughts of moments when he wanted to kiss her flooded his brain. The desire to hug her and even simply be around her came more often than not. But he’d grown so used to it that it had become easy to ignore. He nodded and she seemed surprised. 

“I think about you all the time, Hyojung. It hasn’t been easy for me.”

Her words made his heart feel funny in his chest. He almost couldn’t believe it. 

“I’ve thought about what we just did so much… I could barely think straight around you as it was. Things might have to change, just a little. I don’t know. I need to think about it.”

“I—”

“But I _ really _ don’t wanna think about it right now.” she muttered with a quiet laugh, eyes looking off elsewhere. 

“Okay, then you don’t have to. I’m not pressed to talk about it, either.” 

Naeun pushed herself off from the door and made her way to him with cautious steps. The tension he felt between them the second she got close was impossible to ignore, as was the look in her eyes. He reached to hold her waist and a nervous smile took his lips. He could feel the way she took a deep breath under his palms. Unsure, he waited for her to say what was on her mind. 

“I don’t wanna think… You don’t wanna talk.” her voice got softer, “What should we do?”

He forced the smirk on his lips away as he urged Naeun closer and kissed her. 

They could think and talk tomorrow.


	3. Chapter 3

It felt like an attack. 

Their new lead manager, Seho, had started the other day. New schedules and routines were introduced. Since Hyojung was in a separate dorm, they’d decided to split transportation. Seho would pick up the other guys for things, while Naeun would pick Hyojung up. He wasn’t that frustrated by it. It meant spending personal time with her. However, the feeling of being “stuck” with the only female manager they had didn’t sit well with him. 

Namjoon had very verbally expressed his annoyance about Jaesuk getting fired. Every chance he got, he’d mention it. He’d caught Hyojung getting coffee from the company cafe yesterday and had run up to the register, warning the cashier to “Be careful talking to this one. He might get you fired.” 

Hyojung was just glad he hadn’t misgendered him. 

It wasn’t like most people in the company didn’t know. He’d been a hot conversation topic from the second he’d signed his contract. While other trainees and idols avoided him, they didn’t resist gazing at him from afar. He was used to it. He felt like people were staring no matter where he was at. 

Considering he’d been on hormones for almost three years, he passed well. Even so, he always worried about “looking” trans or looking feminine. If anyone looked at him too long, it was hard not to imagine they were seeing something he didn’t. 

Only 5’4, he definitely wasn’t as tall as most guys. He couldn’t bring himself to wear insoles all the time. It made him feel stupid. Unsurprisingly, he didn’t have any facial hair. But his bone structure had changed enough that he didn’t worry about how his face looked too much. He worried about his body more. 

He binded as often as possible, but he was scared his chest would never be flat enough. His chest was pretty small anyway, but it still made him anxious. He hated his breasts. 

He was slim now that he’d been on hormones for awhile. His curves were gone, but if he looked in the mirror too long he swore they still existed. 

His lifestyle since becoming a trainee had actually helped aid his dysphoria. The exercise they were forced to do kept him in shape. The diets helped too, but he wished he could gain more weight. He’d always admired bulkier men. But he’d take what he could get. 

It was really easy to get jealous of the other guys when they were all together. Wrapping up dance practice for the evening, he couldn’t stop looking at Yun. He’d gotten a lot more muscle definition since they’d first started training. He was in a tank top today and it was just really hard not to stare. 

“Yun, I think Hyojung wants your dick or something. He might start acting like a bitch again for you.” 

Hyojung directed his gaze to his bag and didn’t look up again. He held his tongue. Namjoon was never worth it, but especially not today. For once, things had gone okay so far.

“Do you even have a pussy? Did you get a dick stitched on? What do he-shes like you even have down there, huh?” 

“Ah, Namjoon. Come on.” Yun warned. 

“You never go to the saunas with us because you’re still a bitch between there, huh?” 

He sounded closer. Hyojung turned around to see him stepping forward. Terrified of what he was going to do, Hyojung slipped away instantly. Namjoon had only ever shoved him before, but he was surely capable of worse. He laughed in response. 

“I’m right, aren't I? 

“No one gives a fuck about what he has between his legs. That shit is gross. Drop it.”

Hyojung looked to Daehyun with uncertain eyes. He seemed pissed. 

“Whatever.” Namjoon brushed it off casually, heading back to gather his things. 

The fear quickly grew into anger. Hyojung couldn’t get his stuff together fast enough. His chest was tight, overwhelmed with embarrassment and frustration at Namjoon’s words. Daehyun’s reaction hadn’t made the situation any better. He only ever said shit to protect the group— not him. 

He heard Namjoon laugh as he stormed out of the dance studio. 

The teasing had really sent him into a spiral. The rest of the evening in the recording studio, he couldn’t really focus on anything. Playing different beats and songs in an attempt to write ended up not being a distraction. But at least he was alone. 

Honestly, his bottom dysphoria hadn’t been that bad pre-testosterone. He’d felt okay about what he had between his legs. Now, because of the ways things had changed down there, he felt insecure more often than not. It was almost like a permanent reminder that he wasn’t “normal.” He’d rather have no dick than the one he had because of hormones. 

He hadn’t really gotten intimate with someone since starting them. There’d been a couple of girls that had tried, but even the  _ thought _ of having to explain what to do, what he liked, and what he needed made him beyond dysphoric. The thought of having to do that with Naeun made him feel sick. It had been on his mind a lot recently. It was all he thought about sometimes, honestly. Naeun was  _ actually _ attracted to him. Him entirely. 

Remembering they were supposed to hang out tonight, he quickly pulled out his phone. He’d lost track of time. As he was rushing to text her back, her contact suddenly appeared on the screen. He answered in surprise.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I was just texting you back. I lost track of time. I’m in the recording studio.”

“It’s okay.” he could hear the smile in her voice, “I was just starting to get worried is all. Are you almost done? I can come pick you up.”

“Ah… Yeah.”

“Why do you sound like that?”

“Today was just stupid. I didn’t even really get anything done.”

“Did anything happen?”

“Just the usual bullshit from Namjoon. But I’m okay.”

“As long as you’re not lying to me.”

“Me? Never.” 

“I’m at the grocery store right now. What kind of sweets do you like?”

Hyojung got his things together and started heading out the studio, a smile on his lips as he walked. He loved listening to Naeun talk. Things felt even more casual now that they’d acknowledged their feelings for each other. It felt surreal--- every shamelessly flirty text, every kiss as soon as they were alone, the way she would put her hand on his thigh when they drove to places. He wasn’t sure if they were actually dating or not, but it felt like it. He wasn’t ready to bring up the topic yet. He was content. 

The building had cleared out for the most part, but the empty lobby made him feel anxious. He was walking out the doors to chill on the sidewalk when someone called his name.

“Hyojung!”

Jamie came towards him with gentle eyes. He had been active for almost a year now. One of the only idols that would ever actually talk to him, they’d ended up having quite a few conversations at the cafe. He was almost too cool to be around. If he wasn’t so nice, he’d be intimidating. He was from the United States and it was obvious before he even spoke. Something about the way he carried himself was different compared to the other guys Hyojung had seen in the company so far. 

“What are you up to tonight, man?”

“Nothing really. Going home to rest. Today was rough.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

Hyojung just waved it off, “I’m okay. Thanks, though.”

“Do you always walk home alone?”

“Usually. I’m actually waiting on my manager, though.”

“Nice.”

An awkward silence surrounded them. Hyojung wasn’t sure how to casually leave the conversation. He was about to make a random comment on Jamie’s last comeback, but Jamie’s gaze changed and stopped him. 

“I just wanted to say what’s up. I know Namjoon is a real shithead. Most of us know.” he muttered with a quiet laugh.

Scared of what Namjoon was saying to others, he just nodded. He didn’t want to know. He knew better than to doubt that Namjoon talked shit about him to others in the company. He probably wasn’t the only one. His heart felt a bit warm, though. As awkward as it felt, it was nice to know that someone like Jamie cared about him enough to even say anything.

“Thanks.”

Jamie extended a fist, “No problem, man. I’ll see you around.”

His own duffel bag in tow, he headed out the other doors. Hyojung languidly followed, watching him as he headed down the sidewalk. He couldn’t remember ever noticing Jamie walk to or from the building. They were all so busy, but everyone’s training schedules tended to be similar. He couldn’t imagine what Jamie’s was like nowadays, though. Him and his group were getting more and more popular. This was the first time he’d seen him in awhile. 

Naeun rolled up shortly after that. 

“Hi there.” she beamed as he got settled in the front seat.

“Hey.”

“I probably shouldn’t kiss you right in front of the building, huh?”

Before he could answer, she shook her head and put the car in drive. It was hard for him to hide his amusement. Her hand ended up on his thigh before they even turned the street. The soft sounds of the radio filled the car as they drove. It wasn’t until he was sitting down did he realize how tired he was. His head ended up against the window before he knew it.

“I bought some dumplings. So, it won’t take long to fix you some food. Do you remember if there’s still rice left over from the other night?”

“I think there is.” he mumbled, “I feel bad. You’ve gotten food for me every night since I got to the new dorm. You don’t have to take care of me, you know?”

“But I want to. And I wanna make sure you’re eating. That’s always been my job, anyway.”

It was almost eleven when they got to his dorm. He really hadn’t meant to stay at the company so late. He trailed behind Naeun up to his apartment, eyes constantly falling to her hand. He wished he could hold it. They’d decided to keep things behind closed doors for the most part. One day, they’d find a way to have a date in public, though. Going somewhere right in Seoul probably would’ve been fine, but neither of them wanted to risk ruining his debut in any kind of way. No one knew who he was, but all it would take was one person to recognize him or Naeun. 

He carried enough on his shoulders already. Being the reason behind another speed bump--or worse-- on the way to their debut would probably break him. 

“Wait.” Naeun groaned as she opened the door, “I left the dumplings in the car. Can you go get them?”

Taking the keys dangling from her fingertips, he pretended to be asleep as he nodded and she shoved him in response. 

“Thanks, honey.”

Rolling his eyes, he went back down the stairs with a smile on his face. When he came back inside from the parking garage, there was loud laughter filling the building. He could hear it all the way from the ground floor. It only got louder as he headed back up the stairs. When he realized it was coming from his floor, his steps became cautious. His eyes widened as he took in the two girls stumbling down his hall. When they caught sight of him, they did the same. 

Suddenly it got quiet. 

He tried not to mind them and focused on reaching his apartment door, but their eyes stayed on him. Their steps had even slowed. His completely froze when one of them spoke.

“Yah… Are you Euna’s boyfriend? Are you headed to her place?”

“Me?” he answered without even thinking, feeling very stupid as he did. Of course they were talking to him.

“Siyeon-ah.” the other one whined in embarrassment, trying to urge her to keep walking. She stumbled as she did. His brow furrowed some and amusement was taking away some of the anxiety that had flooded his veins. 

Were they drunk?

“What? I just wanted to know! She said he was coming-- If you’re not her boyfriend, who’s place are you going to?”

“He doesn’t have to tell you.”

“I-- Mine. I live on this floor.”

They both had the same reaction the second he finished speaking. Confused, he stayed quiet. They seemed surprised.

“No you don’t.” the one with night black hair spit back instantly, “I feel like you’re lying. You’re Euna’s boyfriend. She told you to lie, didn’t she?”

He lifted his hands, dumpling bag dangling next to his shoulder, “I don’t even know who that is. I swear.” 

“You don’t live here, though.” the other one insisted, “This is an all-girls dorm.”

Hyojung heard his stomach fall all the way down to the parking garage. Thoughts stopped moving through his brain. His heart was pounding in his ears and he couldn’t focus on much of anything. He’d only assumed this was an idol dorm. It’d only been a few days, so he hadn’t actually seen anyone come in or out. But this was an all-girls dorm. The company had put him in an all-girls dorm.

Heat rushed up to his throat.

“Are you good?”

Unable to even look at them anymore, he hurried to his apartment. He couldn’t get inside fast enough. Naeun was in the kitchen, warming up rice on the stove. Concern took her features as she watched him toss the bag on the counter. He hadn’t even bothered taking his shoes off. Hyojung ignored his tight throat as he asked.

“Were you ever gonna tell me?”

“What? Tell you what?”

“That this was an all-girls dorm.”

Naeun’s eyes fell. He laughed in disbelief. She’d known this entire time. Unsure about what emotion was making his throat tight, he ran with anger anyway. It was just an apartment. It’d be stupid to cry over, but he couldn’t not be upset about this situation. They’d  _ knowingly  _ done this on purpose. Whether it be from Namjoon or the company— he just couldn’t catch a break. 

“Could we not hang out tonight? Can you go?”

Naeun left the food on the stove to attempt to console him. The second she reached out, he backed away. The feeling of betrayal made it easy to ignore the hurt in Naeun’s brow.

“Forreal. I don’t want to be around you right now.”

“The second I found out I tried to talk to Jiyoung-nim about it, but he just kept blowing me off. I’m so sorry.” 

“You should’ve told me.” 

“I just didn’t want to give you another thing to be stressed about.” 

“I’m not stressed about it. I’m pissed.” 

“I know. You have every right to be, Hyojung. I can go back to the director in the morning.”

“He’s not gonna fix anything. He did this on purpose. I know he fucking did.” 

Naeun stayed silent, a heavy sigh leaving her chest. He could feel her worried gaze and it just made the desire to cry even stronger. He was better than letting this get to him. Compared to some things he’d gone through upon joining the company, this was nothing. He was just so tired. 

“Do you still want me to leave?”

“I just wish you’d told me.”

“I won’t ever hide something like that from you again. I’m sorry.” 

He let Naeun get close this time. Fingertips pressed against his chin and lifted his head. She left a gentle kiss on his lips before simply hugging him. His frustration quickly boiled down into sadness. Exhaustion. He’d surely embarrassed himself in front of those girls. The thought of that only fueled the desire to not exist in this moment even more. He hated being in these situations. But this was his life. 

And he couldn’t do jack shit about it. 

The sobs came abruptly. Too many different things breaking the dam at once. He buried his head in Naeun’s shoulder, trying to stay quiet. It was in vain. Her arms tightly held him closer as he cried. 

He hated crying, especially in front of other people. He took pride in his ability to hold tears. This hurt even more than what he was crying over. But the longer Naeun held him, the longer he sobbed— the lighter he started to feel. If it hadn’t been this that broke him, it would’ve been something else. He knew that much. 

“I’m so sorry, Hyojung.” she muttered as she rubbed his back. 

In an attempt to collect himself, he pulled away. Wiping his eyes and face, he insisted, “It’s okay. It’s fine.”

“It’s not— Shit, the rice.”

It was definitely burning. She rushed back into the kitchen.

Hyojung couldn’t decide if he was lying to her or himself. It was okay. Things were okay. 

They had to be. 


End file.
